Pearl

Pearl and I were down at The Beach(es) this one time and were sitting on an outcrop of rocks by the water. I remember at one point deciding to lie down because I simply got tired of sitting. As I began to lie down, I simultaneously realized in my head that this was probably a bad idea because even before I was fully laid down, I knew that the sun would be beating down on my face and I also knew that this would get really uncomfortable really fast. But there was nothing to be done! I was, after all, already in the process of lying down – the most I could do was enjoy my reclined position for 30 seconds before I would decide that I didn’t want to char my face to a crisp. All this passed through my head before I actually reached my final, fully reclined position on the rock. But just as I decided that I was an idiot, the sun mysteriously stopped beating down upon my face. Well, it wasn’t “mysterious” per se. I wasn’t really an idiot after all; I figured that Pearl had probably shifted her position and that she was now coincidentally blocking the sun out of my face. When I opened my eyes, I realized that it wasn’t a coincidence. Seeing that the sun was shining into my face, she had deliberately moved her head so that it was casting a shadow over said face. And as I looked up at her and realized that she was making a concerted effort not to move her head, I knew, right then, that she was the kind of person we need more of in society.

I love telling this story about Pearl because I think it demonstrates perfectly a quality that Pearl has that I admire immensely. And that is simply this: Pearl thinks about other people. She considers other people's feelings and recognizes that sometimes, it's better to make small sacrifices if it means that other people don't have to make big ones. It's hard for me to express the degree to which I admire this about her because I haven't had a lot of practice; it's that rare of a quality.

But I mean, that's understandably so. I haven't ever faulted people for putting themselves before others as long as it doesn't result in harming said others. It's one thing to be self-centered to the point of being inconsiderate; it's another to be egoistic where you simply don't take the extra step to ensure that you're looking out for others. Sure it would be nice if people didn't just settle for the latter but I've never insisted, on any moral grounds, that lacking the drive to be better makes you a terrible human being. But I digress...

The point is, that while I don't necessarily condemn people who are egoists, I do admire those of us who stop and consider other people when making decisions and Pearl is someone who usually does this. From suggesting that we eat at Demetres because she knows I like "white people" desserts to deflecting the conversation towards a "whole group" consideration whenever I try to focus our choices on her preferences... every time I notice this quality about her, it reminds me that is amazing and is a friend worth holding onto.

I would like to quote something I once wrote about Pearl (as part of a separate discussion) that I think is instructive:

"I remember one when I had called her [Pearl] during a time when she was horrifically sick and had lost her voice. She whispered into the phone that she was in a beaten state and that she would talk to me later. Fair enough. But then I got a text message from her literally 2 minutes after I put down the phone, telling me that she appreciated the call. And I realized that this was something that, once upon a time, I could conceivably have seen myself doing – but somewhere along the line, I (and many others – thanks Neil Strauss) had gotten used to the idea that such displays of appreciation were over-the-top; that letting people know that you appreciate their attention meant that you were needy; and that the surest way to seem cool was to make it seem like you were the one who was always doing the other person a favor by giving them the time of the day. And while I had never fully bought into these philosophies, I realized that I had given into them to the extent that I thought that that was how everyone wanted the world to be like when really, no one wanted this at all – we were just too scared of losing our mojo by admitting that we could occasionally be on the receiving end of personal favors and attention."

I've always joked with Pearl that it sometimes seems like we were brought up with completely different experiences and under different cultural norms. Now I'm thinking that maybe that's not such a bad thing. And while I regularly poke fun at her for not knowing some things that I consider to be cultural juggernauts, this is something I would gladly trade if it meant that some of her values were inherently part of the culture in which she was raised.

Other good points... well, Pearl is good at badminton (always a plus), has a good sense of humor, and isn't afraid to call me out when some of my flaws exhibit themselves. She's internally consistent, isn't flaky, and is kind-hearted towards children and the elderly. She also thinks skinny jeans look kinda stupid (they do!) and I have thanked the heavens on several occasions that she never bought into that fad.